Why am I here?

It’s been a while since I posted on this blog. I find that I don’t often have the margin in my life for writing out my thoughts like this, especially since the school year began. Being back in the classroom is great, but it makes my life full to the brim. Whenever I have an open hour, I have at least 3 choices of good, productive things that I could do with that time. And that doesn’t count the marginally good leisure activities. (Like fatty foods—good in small amounts only.)

Most of the time, since we got back from the US in July, I have been living day to day. I look ahead only for the purpose of making my to-do list. Each day, each hour, I try to figure out the most important things I should be doing and just do them—play with Kaitlyn, plan a French unit, make a shopping list, check Facebook, whatever. I’ve tried to balance my time well and wisely, without stressing too much. Overall, I think I’ve managed well, by God’s grace and with His strength, but it’s hard to know when you’re in the middle of things.

Last weekend, we had our mission’s conference with other TEAM missionaries working in the Philippines. Part of our time there was spent sharing self-evaluations of our own work and ministry in the past year. Preparing for this conference meant doing that self-evaluation, which meant stepping back from my life for an hour, pausing and seeing what I thought of it all.

And what I realized was that I need a better understanding of my priorities right now.  Not only do I need to know those priorities, I need them to be rooted firmly in my heart, will, and mind. I have more roles and more options than I can possibly do. And that’s ok! But if I’m not careful, I will get caught up in activities that are not my top priority, and leave un-done the things that God truly wants from me right now. So last week I spent some time thinking again about why I am here, in this particular here-and-now, at this specific stage in my life. I have lots of roles—daughter of the King, wife of Seth, mother of Kaitlyn, teacher (and therefore student) of French, student of Tagalog, friend and daughter and sister and neighbor and coach and… Which ones are most important right now-- and how does that look? How does God want me to layer my thinking so that I layer my life accordingly?

These questions are not unique to me, nor are they new to me. Everybody deals with the balancing act and the choices among many available activities. In the past, at one point, I actually wrote out a weekly schedule of everything in my life to help me figure out how many hours I had available for fun stuff and ministry, and when those hours would happen regularly! But this adventure of parenting and teaching together is making the questions crucial in a new way. I did some prioritizing over the long break before school began, but I definitely needed this chance to re-think and re-set myself. It’s different now that I’m actually living it!

I’m slowly learning to be ok with NOT doing it all. I’m slowly learning the self-discipline I need to work well so that I can play well, too. I’m slowly learning how to focus on the moment and enjoy it, not heeding the siren song of multitasking. This day-to-day stuff is relentless! But I’m also finding grace and peace on this path, and they are enough.