Why am I here?

It’s been a while since I posted on this blog. I find that I don’t often have the margin in my life for writing out my thoughts like this, especially since the school year began. Being back in the classroom is great, but it makes my life full to the brim. Whenever I have an open hour, I have at least 3 choices of good, productive things that I could do with that time. And that doesn’t count the marginally good leisure activities. (Like fatty foods—good in small amounts only.)

Most of the time, since we got back from the US in July, I have been living day to day. I look ahead only for the purpose of making my to-do list. Each day, each hour, I try to figure out the most important things I should be doing and just do them—play with Kaitlyn, plan a French unit, make a shopping list, check Facebook, whatever. I’ve tried to balance my time well and wisely, without stressing too much. Overall, I think I’ve managed well, by God’s grace and with His strength, but it’s hard to know when you’re in the middle of things.

Last weekend, we had our mission’s conference with other TEAM missionaries working in the Philippines. Part of our time there was spent sharing self-evaluations of our own work and ministry in the past year. Preparing for this conference meant doing that self-evaluation, which meant stepping back from my life for an hour, pausing and seeing what I thought of it all.

And what I realized was that I need a better understanding of my priorities right now.  Not only do I need to know those priorities, I need them to be rooted firmly in my heart, will, and mind. I have more roles and more options than I can possibly do. And that’s ok! But if I’m not careful, I will get caught up in activities that are not my top priority, and leave un-done the things that God truly wants from me right now. So last week I spent some time thinking again about why I am here, in this particular here-and-now, at this specific stage in my life. I have lots of roles—daughter of the King, wife of Seth, mother of Kaitlyn, teacher (and therefore student) of French, student of Tagalog, friend and daughter and sister and neighbor and coach and… Which ones are most important right now-- and how does that look? How does God want me to layer my thinking so that I layer my life accordingly?

These questions are not unique to me, nor are they new to me. Everybody deals with the balancing act and the choices among many available activities. In the past, at one point, I actually wrote out a weekly schedule of everything in my life to help me figure out how many hours I had available for fun stuff and ministry, and when those hours would happen regularly! But this adventure of parenting and teaching together is making the questions crucial in a new way. I did some prioritizing over the long break before school began, but I definitely needed this chance to re-think and re-set myself. It’s different now that I’m actually living it!

I’m slowly learning to be ok with NOT doing it all. I’m slowly learning the self-discipline I need to work well so that I can play well, too. I’m slowly learning how to focus on the moment and enjoy it, not heeding the siren song of multitasking. This day-to-day stuff is relentless! But I’m also finding grace and peace on this path, and they are enough.

Food Fail / Food Win

This Wednesday, I tried a couple of experiments in the kitchen. Both were rather spectacular, if I do say so myself, though in opposite ways…

In the afternoon, I struggled to find enough food for me to eat for lunch. We’d been away for the weekend and were out of some key items and low on good leftovers. Then I remembered that a week or so ago, I had bought some camote at the market. This is the Filipino version of a sweet potato. I bought them intending to try them out. I wanted to see how they differ from the American sweet potatoes I’m used to, so that I could decide how to use them in future dinners. I thought this would make a nice addition to my lunch, so I pulled them out. Apparently they had been in the refrigerator longer than I realized because only one of them was still good enough to cook. I tossed the others and cleaned off the one I planned to eat. Since I was figuring on eating the camote plain, I thought I would just microwave it like a baked potato. That works with both potatoes and American sweet potatoes, so I assumed it would work just fine. This is not true, as it turns out. It was a small camote, so I set the timer for only a few minutes. About 2 minutes in, I noticed the smell of the potato cooking and thought, “Oh good!” Then about 30 seconds before the end of the timer, I noticed the smell change… When I opened the microwave, smoke poured out, along with a strong smell like burnt popcorn. The camote was both blackened and whitened, completely charred. It was actually stuck to the microwave plate. Two days later, the smell is still lingering; I notice it again every time I open the microwave.  I bought new camote at the market yesterday. I still want to find out its taste and texture, but this time I shall do a little research before I try to cook one!

Not my macaroni and cheese, but mine looked similar! :)

Last weekend, I made a casserole that included a cheese sauce. When I had made the sauce and was pouring it into the baking dish, I tasted a bit of it and was immediately transported to my family’s kitchen in Wheaton. It tasted just like my mom’s homemade mac ‘n’ cheese! For me, macaroni and cheese is a serious comfort food. In the US, I always had a box or two of the store-bought stuff in the house. Since I generally want comfort food on days that I don’t want to put effort into dinner, I’ve never tried to make it from scratch. Here in Manila, I’ve just done without. Boxed mac ‘n’ cheese is only available at stores with lots of imports (which are all pretty far away from me, so I never shop there), and it’s quite expensive. But when I tasted that cheese sauce, I suddenly realized that I had another option! (Shocking, right?) I decided that I was definitely going to try to make my own mac ‘n’ cheese, and Wednesday turned out to be a good day for it. Seth was gone to Bible study all evening, so in the late afternoon, Kaitlyn played in the kitchen while I made us an early dinner. We were both hungry when it was ready. (As you may recall, some of my lunch plans didn’t work out so well…) And it was perfect! Kaitlyn hasn’t been a huge fan of pasta before, but she couldn’t put these in her mouth fast enough! This recipe may or may not actually taste like my mom’s recipe, but it sure tastes like my memory of her recipe, and that’s good enough for me. We shared it again yesterday and today; there’s only one more Kaitlyn-sized serving left. I don’t think Seth even got any! Which will now be my excuse to make it again soon. :)

Random tropical fruit confession

Recently, rambutan were in season here. (I think they're out of season again now. I only saw a few at the market today, and the ones I saw didn't look terribly fresh.) I was reminded a couple of weeks ago that I like them, so I bought a bunch last week.

This is what rambutan look like when you buy them.

Whole rambutan

And I think I may have read too many sci-fi and fantasy books in my life because they look to me like very small monsters that might go scuttling off at any moment. Or maybe like aliens who will be offended if I pick them up. Honestly EVERY time I go to eat one of these, I have a very quick moment where I have to remind myself that it's a fruit not an animal, and that it's definitely not going to bite me.

You eat rambutan by peeling off that crazy-looking skin. The fruit is white and sweet, and you just eat it off the pit in the center. They're pretty small, so it takes some work to get a real serving, but they're definitely among the tropical fruits I enjoy when their season comes around.

Peeled rambutan, ready to eat

Rambutan pits

There are some other tropical fruits that I find funny-looking (like durian) or ridiculously complicated to eat (like mangosteen). It makes me wonder what temperate fruits are weird to people who didn't grow up with them. None of them look like aliens to me, but perhaps I just don't see it! Peaches? Raspberries? Anybody know? :)

Durian, which is not actually one
of the tropical fruits I enjoy. It's
smelly and tastes odd.
Regardless, it's funny-looking.

Mangosteen-- Once you get through
the really thick skin, each of those
little sections has its own seed that
you have to eat around.
So yummy but a lot of work!

Butiki again

From June 1

This is a follow-up story to my April tropical moment. I came down to the kitchen this morning and was startled to discover THREE large-ish butiki lizards in my blender! The odd part is that the lid was on and latched, so I’m not sure how they got in there. I had used the blender recently, washed it, let it air-dry, and then put it away last night. The only thing I can think is that perhaps they got in while it was drying, and I just didn’t notice them when I was putting the blender away? That’s possible. I was tired and perhaps inattentive. At any rate, there they were. 

I took the lid off, hoping they would climb out. After I ignored the blender for a while, one was gone. Two butiki in the blender isn’t a lot better than three. I finally took the container off the base and tipped it on its side on the counter, and the other two disappeared soon after. Then I cleaned the whole thing thoroughly and rinsed it with hot water. Butiki are fine to have on the walls, but I think I prefer them to stay out of my appliances.

Coming home

This summer, we went back to Chicago for a month in order to attend the wedding of Seth’s sister. It was a fun time, full of family and friends. But by the end, as is the norm at the end of a trip, we were feeling ready to be home again.

Our travels were comparatively short this time around. We were only en route for about 18 hours. We actually landed in Manila over an hour early! Our plane was the first to arrive for the night schedule, so we breezed through immigration and customs. A friend picked us up from the airport, and right around midnight, we arrived back at our townhouse.

We hauled our suitcases inside and got organized with the necessities for the night. Being hungry, I found an apple in the fridge. We started getting ready for Kaitlyn’s bedtime routine. And as I wandered around our room, I realized just how good it felt to arrive and be home. We’ve been in the townhouse for a few months already, so we’re fully moved in. We’ve carved out our spaces and routines. This is where Kaitlyn has lived the longest in her (admittedly short) life. It was unbelievably comfortable, after a month in someone else’s home and an 18-hour travel day, to come back to our own place and settle right back in. I felt myself relaxing.

And then as I wandered out into the hallway, I saw the 3-inch cockroach crawling calmly up our wall… I had to laugh. But I knew right where to find the bug spray and a shoe, and the cockroach wasn’t on our wall for very long. Ah yes, this is definitely home!! And I’m glad to be back.

Hot Season Musings

     There is a little poem-prayer that I’ve been saying with/over Kaitlyn at night sometimes. One of the lines thanks God for His daytime care by saying “You have warmed and clothed and fed me.” Hmmm… perhaps a little too warm?

      And then there’s the night-time devotional book that I’ve been reading occasionally before bed. A recent entry pictured God’s love as a nice, thick blanket we can snuggle under cozily. I laughed. That just doesn’t appeal at the moment…

      One of Kaitlyn’s board books is a cute series of prayers thanking God for the four seasons. Each page has a pop-out piece to play with (flower, sun, leaf, snowman); Kaitlyn loves to chew on them. Unfortunately, spring and fall don't really apply here. Summer's prayer thanks God for "summer's golden sun," and I’m not terribly grateful for the sun most of the time. And I have no idea how she’ll respond to the snowman and winter prayer, when she begins to respond to the content of books and not just the pictures. She might understand the words, but she really won’t know what I’m talking about.

      It’s hot season here, when we sweat even more than usual. In the tropics, people keep out of the sun most of the time anyway; umbrellas are an all-season accessory—important protection in rain or shine! There just isn’t a time of year when I love to have a thick blanket over me. I understand the psalmist’s comparison of God’s law to the sun as Psalm 19 shows it—a hugely strong, searching presence from which nothing can hide. And most days, if I’m going to thank God using a weather metaphor, it’ll be the one from Psalm 121, “The LORD is your shade at your right hand. The sun shall not harm you by day…”

       So, we have been modifying those written prayers a bit. At night, I pray “You have cooled and clothed and fed me” because cooling is indeed a gracious gift from God when you live in a tropical country. When I read the seasons book to Kaitlyn, we say thank you for flowers and leaves in general, rather than just in spring and fall. And when we pull out that sun to play with, we say thank you for both the sun and the shade that God gives.

      But I still don’t know what to do with the snowman. 

Gently Leads

          Isaiah 40 paints a picture of God, of the Messiah, as a coming King—judging and forgiving, powerful and eternal, incomparable. The chapter ends with the famous promise that those who wait on the Lord will endure all things through His strength. I have loved this chapter for a long time, but in recent months, verse 11 has become a promise for me. Right in the middle of this royal, trumpet-like passage acclaiming God as THE Ruler of all, there is this tender little verse. It says that the Messiah “tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.”

            I appreciate this. I am very grateful to have a God who pays attention to the varying needs of His flock. It’s wonderful that He is the enduring King, but I’m so glad that He’s a shepherd too. Right now, I need a Shepherd who will carry my baby for me and lead me along gentle paths.

            One way I’ve seen this recently is in my devotions. I have been using a book published by Calvin College, of short little one-page readings tied to various random Scriptures. Most of the time, I dislike books like this. I have a hard time committing to them because there’s no continuity of concepts or passage, and I often find them shallow. This one is a pretty high-quality book of this type (in my totally unbiased opinion, of course) because the authors are all people connected with Calvin College, and many of them are thoughtful people and good writers who have written something that rings deeply true. (It probably helps that each person only had to write ONE devotional for the book; most people can be deep and wise at least ONCE.) :) Anyway, that whole attitude betrays my own bias, some of which is acceptable and comes from my personality, and some of which results from my besetting sin of pride. Either way, at the moment my bias is overcome by my circumstances. I have neither the brainpower nor the time to pursue a deeper study of Scripture. What I can do, most days, is read a passage and a page while I eat breakfast. (Or second breakfast, as the case may be.)

            And God, my Shepherd, has kindly and gently showed up to these times, just when I need Him.

Late in January, as I struggled with my fears and my failures, He reassured me with I John 4 (“Perfect love casts out fear.”). And the author that day challenged me with the thought that “…fear arises out of expectation of punishment… We expect to bear the consequences because we think we are in charge… I am attached to my fear because it is connected to my desire to be in charge of my life.” Oh yes, I know that desire—and I was reminded to let go of it, in light of God’s perfect love.

In February, as I slowly came to terms with the relentless ups and downs of being a mother, God reminded me through Gabriel’s conversation with Mary that “The Lord is with you… For nothing is impossible with God.” The woman who reflected on this passage is the mother of a young woman with severe handicaps, and her thoughts helped give me courage to pick up my responsibilities again, with God’s strength, regardless of the impossibility of the task.

The reading for February 29 made me laugh. The Scripture passage was from Isaiah 40—the segment about God being the incomprehensible God who controls the universe. What have we to teach Him? The day’s author wrote about the absurdity of God’s love for us, when we are so small and so easily confused that we can’t even set up a system of days without having to correct our time error every four years… That day I was reminded that God laughs at us and sings over us, and that we can therefore both laugh and sing.

In March, a few days before chaos erupted in our lives, in the form of moving and hosting guests all at the same time, the passage was Matthew 6 and the message was a gentle reminder to QUIT WORRYING, Laura!

Last week, after an extremely hard weekend with Kaitlyn (one of those where the good is overwhelmed by the bad, and I need to be reminded of why I had this baby in the first place…), Monday’s reading and reflection was perfect. It connected Robert Frost’s poem “Nothing Gold Can Stay” with Revelation’s description of the golden and eternal new Jerusalem. I was reminded that all good things on earth (including motherhood and babies) are temporary and sin-touched (but still good), and that heaven’s eternal glory and peace is coming. Most importantly on that day, the reflection contained a quote from a 7^th-grader about how cool it is that God gives us glimpses of perfection and joy along the way—golden moments that I can watch for and revel in, even if their surroundings are dark or difficult.

And so I can move forward again each day, graciously led by Jesus along a path that I can walk because He is beside me.

A Tropical Moment...

… while doing dishes yesterday morning.

            Recently, we bought a few tall plastic cups for everyday uses like having water with us anywhere in the house. They’re nice, though we broke one already by giving it to Kaitlyn, who dropped it with enough violence to crack a piece off the bottom. (Note to self: Plastic does NOT equal unbreakable or child friendly.)

The other night, I had been using one of those cups for water, and I put it by the sink before we went upstairs to bed. I wasn’t worried about bugs in a dirty cup, since it had only contained water. The supper dishes were clean, and this one could wait for the morning.

After breakfast the next day, I worked on the bowls and spoons and such. I picked up that cup from the night before, stuck my soapy sponge inside, and nearly had a heart attack as something dark and quick came slithering out! I practically threw the cup and sponge into the sink and (mostly) repressed the urge to scream.

A moment’s closer inspection relieved me, though, when I realized that the dark thing was a butiki, one of the small lizards that run around on the walls of our house. We like them because they eat bugs. This one was quite small—only about 2 inches long.  It must have been in the glass drinking the last bits of water from the night before. Having scared me half to death, it dashed into the sink (presumably so it could continue to get in the way of me doing dishes). I left it alone, and a few minutes later it worked its way back onto the counter and then out of sight. No harm done, but I have learned to check the insides of dishes before I try to wash them!

Literary Discoveries

When I am feeding Kaitlyn, I often read. Since she often takes a long time to eat, and since she's still eating often through the day, I've been reading a lot lately! Here are a few things I have discovered (or re-discovered) in my reading recently:

Andre Norton- I like her writing! It's fun. I picked up a couple of free ebooks by her, a while ago, and read them last month. There's nothing earthshattering about them, but I definitely enjoyed them. This week I went and downloaded several more free ebooks. I'm sad that the Witch World series isn't available free. (It might or might not be available in ebook format; I didn't really look at the stuff I would have had to pay for...) That's the only Andre Norton that I've read any of, and it was a long time ago that I read it, and I don't remember anything. But I'm enjoying the random books I did find. Classic sci-fi-- brainless and entertaining.

Rudyard Kipling- I re-read Kim recently and was reminded of why I like Kipling. He's bound by some of the perspective of his time period, with which I don't always agree, but he's a good and interesting writer. After reading Kim last time, just a couple of years ago, I went and found a bunch of Kipling's short stories and read them. I might have to go re-read those now. Did he write any other novels? (I should know this, and I could look it up, but I haven't yet.)

Jules Verne- I finally read 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea recently. It's the first thing I've actually read by him. And I was unimpressed. He started out with an explanation of how the Nautilus worked, complete with the math of surface area versus water pressure; it was far too technical for my taste. Then the majority of the book was purely a half-fictional tour of the world's oceans, with long lists of fish and plants... I also didn't particularly care for the main character, from whose perspective the story was told. Not that he was a bad person-- he just wasn't an interesting one, either! The book just didn't turn out to be my style. Does anyone know if Verne's other stuff is better? I'll be happy to try Around the World in 80 Days or Journey to the Center of the Earth if either is more fun, but not if they're going to be the same as this one.

Ken Follett- I don't know anything about his earlier work, but I read the first book in his recent historical fiction series about the 20th century. The book is Fall of Giants, and it covers the lead-up to World War I and the war itself, from the perspective of several families in England, Germany, Russia, and America. I found it very interesting and also entertaining. The characters' stories were compelling in themselves, and I learned a lot of history too. I'm looking forward to getting my hands on the 2nd book in the series at some point.

Anybody have suggestions for me? I'm especially interested in things I can find for free in ebook format; my Kindle is by far the easiest thing to read from while I'm nursing. I'm open to new or classic authors, or to books I've forgotten about and should re-read! :)

Why did the chicken...

Kaitlyn and I walk around our neighborhood almost every day. We see or hear quite a number of animals. Dogs bark at us from behind fences or from the ends of their chains. Stray cats watch us-- warily or imperially. We hear birds chirping and occasionally a rooster crowing. All very normal. The other day, however, we experienced a new one.

We were a few streets away from home. Just as we entered the shade of a couple of close-together houses, a chicken dashed out of a yard ahead of us and paused, clucking. ("Do you hear that, Kaitlyn? That's a chicken!") I slowed down, expecting that it would either... well... cross the road... or else turn back and run away as we got close. Instead, as we came by, the chicken turned and began to run along next to us! I watched it, confused. It was running with its head thrust forward and beak a little open, clucking regularly but quietly. I had no idea what that meant; I have had no reason to study chicken body language in the past. (I can say, though, that chickens who wish to keep their dignity should not run. They look ridiculous.) I didn't know what it would do if I veered toward it. Run away? Or come peck my feet? Being uninterested in the risk of having a chicken attack me, I kept going quite straight and at a regular pace, feeling amused and slightly nervous.

A few yards further down, we came to the end of the shade of those particular houses. As Kaitlyn and I rolled on into the sun, the chicken slowed down, then stopped. Once we were beyond it completely, it turned around and began heading back in the direction of the house it came from. Evidently we weren't worth a trip into the heat of the sun.

I'm not sure whether the chicken was feeling territorial and running us out of town, (DO chickens feel territorial? I mean, I know roosters do, but hens?) or whether it was looking for attention and interested in coming home with us, like a stray puppy in a story. (DO chickens look for attention?) But since then, passing by that yard again, I heard clucking that sounded like multiple chickens. So who knows? Perhaps on some future walk, I'll get to find out!

A Small Battle

Yesterday I had a hard morning. Kaitlyn got up fairly late, so I got to sleep in with her, which was nice. But then she didn’t go back to sleep, even briefly, all morning. She was awake and happy, then awake and cranky. She wanted to eat every half hour but wouldn’t quite settle to eating a full meal. Halfway through the morning, she spat up hugely, all over me and herself and the bed we were sitting on. I managed a small breakfast mid-morning and finally got a shower during her first (short) nap at 11. When Kaitlyn cried, I was finding myself staring at her without any idea what to do, feeling like crying myself. By 12, I was tired, hungry, frustrated, weepy. Kaitlyn was eating again. I knew that we had things to do in the evening, and I was anxious about that. How on earth was either of us going to handle going out later if we continued to have a wakeful and cranky day? I just wanted her to nap for real so that we could both recover, reset, and have a better afternoon. I was trying to stay calm so that Kaitlyn wouldn’t pick up on my mood and get crankier than she already was, but it wasn’t working.

And at that point, a small argument went on in my head. I realized that I wanted to talk to somebody, or at least reach out and vent a little—I wanted to be heard, and for somebody to know that I wasn’t ok. My first thoughts were of people in the US, but that was more depressing, since it would have been the middle of the night there if I had tried to call. Then I was thinking of people in Manila, and my mind was suddenly arguing back, telling me why I shouldn’t text. “Seth’s probably teaching. You shouldn’t text him during class!” “You always text her! You shouldn’t be a burden.” “You hardly know her. Are you really comfortable sharing this kind of thing?” “If you text them, they’ll feel like they have to fix it for you! You’ll add stress or guilt to their day! You shouldn’t do that.”

For a while, I listened. However, fortunately, a good friend here told me recently (quite specifically and with force) to get in touch with her and others when I was having a bad day—not to behave as if I’m alone, because I’m not. I remembered this advice, and I began to recognize that those other thoughts were not what I needed to listen to, that they were not true. I composed a text. It still took a few minutes before I could get myself to send it, but I did—to several different people, just to reach outside the four walls of our house and be heard and prayed for.

The afternoon was much better. Kaitlyn did nap, we both recovered, and she was a sweet and happy visitor when we were out in the evening. And after I had a rational brain back, I was thinking about that little battle I had in my mind as I was sitting on the couch nursing my baby.

I know that at the moment I am dealing with ‘baby blues’ some of the time, and that my emotions (specifically the depressed ones) are speaking a lot louder than usual. If I hadn’t had the recent memory of that conversation with a friend, I probably would have just sat there and done nothing but cry. And I thought of friends that I know who have dealt with (or still deal with) ongoing depression or anxiety. They must be very familiar with that mental argument that I faced in such a limited way yesterday, and it must be very easy to lose the battle, when it keeps on coming back and back and back… I understand a little better now, I think. Perhaps I need to say out loud, specifically, to some of them “Email me, or call the Magic Jack and leave a message, when you’re at a low point. Even if you don’t really want me to do anything (or you know I can’t), or you’ve called me every day that week, or you don’t want to disturb me, email anyway. Call anyway. Reach out and be heard and be prayed for.” Regardless of what our emotions say, we’re not alone, and it’s good to behave accordingly!

Using my time

There are ways in which being a stay-at-home mom to an infant feels a lot like teaching, in terms of the way I think about my time—questions that I’m asking myself all the time that are very similar to the questions I faced regularly when teaching. Here are a few that I’ve noticed:

1- I have ____ minutes until the next period starts, or until the baby wakes up. What do I have on my list that I can accomplish in that particular amount of time?

2- There is more on the to-do list than is humanly possible to accomplish today (or even this week). Which things must I do NOW? (like getting papers for next period photocopied, or eating breakfast before it becomes lunchtime…) Which things do I NEED to get done today/tomorrow? (like choosing sections for the test I want to give, or doing a load of diaper laundry) Which things are next in priority if I get the time, and which are simply not important enough (yet?) to spend my time on?

3- I have several things I could work on right now. Which of them are things that I can ONLY do when I am alone in my room, or when the baby is asleep? (like laying out a unit plan, or taking a shower) Which are things that could wait and be accomplished while a student is around taking a test, or when the baby is up and hanging out, or eating? (like grading a quiz, or folding clothes)

I got quite good at asking and answering these questions with respect to my teaching, over the past 10 years. Now I’m finding them an important skill in using my days well as a mom. Of course, I sort of suspect that just as I figure out how to best navigate my time, Kaitlyn will grow and change her habits, and that will change all the rules. But at least for now, it’s nice to know that some of my previous life has transferability to my new one!

My life is not that hard, really...

I have stumbled upon one unexpected way to keep self-pity at bay in this rather difficult time of transition. (Transition with Kaitlyn, as she changes every week, and transition back to Manila life, and transition into stay-at-home motherhood. It's all a little much some days!) The other day, I picked up Beyond Jungle Walls by Sandy Thomas to read while eating lunch. It’s been on our shelves for several years, but I’ve never read it. It’s a missionary autobiography, and it sure puts my problems in perspective! This couple arrived in Congo in 1955 and spent the next 30 years in a jungle village. I haven’t gotten very far into the story yet, but… When they landed on the Congolese shore, they were very ill with malaria. (Already? Ouch!) In the hospital where they spent the next several weeks, they found out that the wife was 3 months pregnant. (NOT the timing they had probably planned on...) Their mud house, where they lived during their first 4 years in the village, had gaps between the walls and ceiling. I’m sure it made the ventilation nice in that tropical climate, but it also let in all kinds of creatures, especially at night. I’m picturing raising an infant, a toddler, in circumstances like this… Yeah, definitely God has called me into a far easier life situation than that one! It’s not a terribly well-written book, but I think I’ll keep reading it anyway. It’s a story of God’s work that’s worth hearing, regardless, and I suspect that this timing, for me to read it just now, is not coincidental.

Truth

This has been a rough weekend. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, Kaitlyn has had some nasty periods of crankiness where she won’t sleep and nothing pleases her. As is normal, I think, for these kinds of moments, her periods of wakefulness seem to correspond to when I’m crashing and ready to take a nap with her... During these times, I have found myself becoming afraid. I feel my fatigue taking over, my temper rising, my patience draining away. I know what I’m like when I’m too tired—I’m clumsy and I make bad decisions because I can’t think. And I know what I’m like when I’ve lost my temper—it’s not pretty. And I’ve realized that I’m afraid of being in charge of a baby when I’m truly exhausted, frustrated, and feeling helpless! What might I do?

Sunday was the worst of these times—the longest set of bad hours with Kaitlyn at her least-consolable. I’m incredibly grateful that Seth was here for that whole time, since it was a weekend. We needed each other for that one. But even with the two of us, I was at the end of my rope. My fatigue and frustration were peaking, and those fears were taking over. I knew that there was a lie in there somewhere, and that I should not be consumed by fear. That’s not how God’s children ever have to be. I know that, and I knew I desperately needed truth to fight back against the lies in my thoughts. God answered and gave me truth. He brought it to mind, and Seth read it to me while I stood and rocked my finally-sleeping baby and cried. I hadn’t read it in the ESV before, and that translation was exactly the right one for God to speak to me that evening. Psalm 121 is the truth I’m hanging onto this week while I face the hills of taking good care of my baby, hanging onto my temper, getting enough sleep, etc. The LORD is my keeper and hers.

I lift up my eyes to the hills.

From where does my help come?

My help comes from the LORD,

Who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved;

he who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, he who keeps Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD is your keeper;

the LORD is your shade on your right hand.

The sun shall not strike you by day,

nor the moon by night,

The LORD will keep you from all evil;

he will keep your life.

The LORD will keep

your going out and your coming in

from this time forth and forevermore.

God bless the inventor of the baby monitor...

I had no idea how crucial a baby monitor is to a mom’s sanity. I know there were many years where moms didn’t have them. I begin to wonder how they managed it. In this apartment, the bedrooms are upstairs; everything else is downstairs. This means that whenever Kaitlyn is sleeping, she’s upstairs and most of the stuff that I need to do is downstairs. The bathroom, stove, and washing machine are all downstairs and around several corners—the farthest possible place from the bedrooms. If I’m there, I can’t hear my daughter unless she gets really upset and starts yelling… I have climbed those stairs to check on her SO many times in the last week. I spend my time on tenterhooks, anxious about whether she’s waking up or unhappy. To add to the challenge, the neighbors also have a baby. Not surprisingly, sometimes their baby cries! So when a baby cries, I freeze and try to figure out whose baby is upset. It’s been a stressful time!

The first half of our boxes arrived today, and the baby monitor was in one of them! I was terribly excited all day that I would be able to use it tomorrow. We have many wonderful and useful things in those boxes (pots and pans, favorite books, dishes, pictures, a carseat, etc.), but it was the baby monitor that was on my mind! Then when we got it out, we discovered that it only works on 110 current… and the Philippines uses 220. :P So I will NOT be using a monitor tomorrow. But a transformer has just been added to our urgent list of things to buy, and hopefully I’ll be set for NEXT week, at least.

Update- 1/22- We did buy a transformer this weekend, and charged the monitor. Monday morning, I took a shower in peace and calm, actually knowing that Kaitlyn was sleeping happily, rather than just hoping she was. And life is better!

Today’s devotional reading: a conversation

Scripture: Hebrews 11, starting at v8- “It was by faith that Abraham obeyed when God called him to leave home and go to another land that God would give him as his inheritance.”

Me: “Hey, I did that! The Philippines really will be a kind of inheritance for me and my family—a new place that will be our home, given to us by God. It is by faith, and some of it is hard!”

Scripture: “He went without knowing where he was going.”

Me: “Oh. Well, that was way harder than what I did. We knew where we were going—Manila, and Faith Academy. And I was definitely anxious about where we would stay until I knew about this apartment. We had it all worked out before we flew. Yeah, I guess my situation’s not so bad!”

Scripture: “And even when he reached the land God promised him, he lived there by faith—for he was like a foreigner…”

Me: “Well, he WAS a foreigner! And that, again, I do relate to. Living as a foreigner in somebody else’s country is a different kind of thing, not always easy.”

Scripture: “…living in tents. And so did Isaac and Jacob, who inherited the same promise.”

Me: “Oh. Right. Again, I don’t have it so tough as that. There is something impermanent about our lives here, though. It is not guaranteed that we can stay, and we know already that we will be moving house at least one more time in the next year. Missionaries are rather nomadic. We’ll move, or the people around us will, many times in the next years.”

Scripture: “Abraham was confidently looking forward to a city with eternal foundations, a city designed and built by God… All these people… agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth. Obviously, people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own. If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back. But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.”

Me: “This needs to be me too.”

I will be making my home in Manila for the foreseeable future, with the US as the place more of my history than of my present. One of my main jobs, as I see it, during the next year (and more), while I am teaching part-time and staying at home more, is to make a home for my family. We will be putting down roots here, and it’s essential that we do so—for the sake of our students and our ministry, for the sake of our daughter, and for our own sanity. However, because we are foreigners here, and because of the nomadic nature of missionary life, I think we will not lose our sense of being strangers. We will remember that this is not our ultimate home, and it will sometimes hurt. It will hurt to be away from the US; and when we are there, it will hurt to be away from Manila; and sometimes nothing will satisfy! When I feel that, or when Kaitlyn does, I need to remind myself and teach her that our true HOME, our city with foundations, is heaven. Our home here is where we are, as a family, but our real home is where God is. And in the midst of the chaos of home-making, stressful and sometimes unsuccessful as it can be, there is a precious promise here for me. God HAS prepared a city for us. And it is a BETTER place than anything here. I do have a heavenly homeland, and one day I will be there and be at rest.