This has been a rough weekend. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and
Monday, Kaitlyn has had some nasty periods of crankiness where she won’t sleep
and nothing pleases her. As is normal, I think, for these kinds of moments, her
periods of wakefulness seem to correspond to when I’m crashing and ready to
take a nap with her... During these times, I have found myself becoming afraid.
I feel my fatigue taking over, my temper rising, my patience draining away. I know
what I’m like when I’m too tired—I’m clumsy and I make bad decisions because I
can’t think. And I know what I’m like when I’ve lost my temper—it’s not pretty.
And I’ve realized that I’m afraid of being in charge of a baby when I’m truly
exhausted, frustrated, and feeling helpless! What might I do?
Sunday was the worst of these times—the longest set of bad
hours with Kaitlyn at her least-consolable. I’m incredibly grateful that Seth
was here for that whole time, since it was a weekend. We needed each other for
that one. But even with the two of us, I was at the end of my rope. My fatigue
and frustration were peaking, and those fears were taking over. I knew that
there was a lie in there somewhere, and that I should not be consumed by fear.
That’s not how God’s children ever
have to be. I know that, and I knew I desperately needed truth to fight back
against the lies in my thoughts. God answered and gave me truth. He brought it
to mind, and Seth read it to me while I stood and rocked my finally-sleeping baby
and cried. I hadn’t read it in the ESV before, and that translation was exactly
the right one for God to speak to me that evening. Psalm 121 is the truth I’m
hanging onto this week while I face the hills of taking good care of my baby, hanging onto my temper, getting enough sleep,
etc. The LORD is my keeper and hers.
I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD is your keeper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night,
The LORD will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
The LORD will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.
LOVE that Psalm. I still struggle with the temper thing too. Will be praying for you! You have a lot of transition right now! There's a good book for later if you get angry with your kids :) called Good and Angry. Helped me alot! But definitely at a different phase of parenting.
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